Facing my regrets

 Disclaimer: In this post, I get very personal. You might find that you'll need a pack of tissues.

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In writing this blog post, I have had to steal away this period of time to do something I did not plan to do. Out of the 10 things on my to-do list for today (yes, truthfully) writing a blog post is not on there. But I am feeling inspired and inspiration has not passed my way for a very long time.

Many of you do not know but I am currently out of employment due to reasons I may share in the near future. But the past 3 weeks or so have been tough. I have been applying for jobs with no response. 95% of the time, no confirmation email comes through to show they have received my application. I have been worrying and panicking wondering if I would get a job before my finances run dry. Before you begin to ask questions on why I hadn't waited till I had a job before leaving my previous job...I did. But I resigned from that job only a few days into it because I realised I was overqualified. I know right! The bulb lit up very late 💡

Truth be told, among the thoughts that have been running through my mind every day, the thought that I should have stayed in my previous job rings the most loudest. After all, I was probably not the only one going through a few challenges. I can say a "few" now, but back then, there were a million reasons to quit against that one reason to stay. All I can say is that I feel regret.

Strangely, the regret for my ex job is not as strong as the regret I feel for the prior decisions I have made in my life.

Every waking day, I take a trip down memory lane to my subject choices for my GCSEs. I made good choices but I feel I didn't work hard enough. In 3 particular subjects: Maths, Art and Media studies. I was promoted to the top set in Maths at some point in Year 10 but I felt out of place and gave average performance. My regret is not challenging myself enough to achieve my best. In Art class, I seldom allowed myself to freely express myself, I stiftened up and I wanted to get the technical details right. Now whenever I have flashes of ideas in my mind to paint purely for self expression and release, I begin to think that I should rather find a similar artistic piece to purchase because mine would not be fit for display. 

But the combined regret of my performance in art and media studies is that, I missed out on the chance to become the journalist that I once used to say I will be. Furthermore, I pursued my bachelor's degree in Digital Media and was seriously intent on becoming a product designer, starting my own brand and relocating to Ghana where my name could become an award winning brand. I would bring 21st century production and design to the West African country then would win contracts across Africa to create their packaging. But a year into my degree, I became discouraged with my lack of technical skill (not creativity) compared to other students. They seemed novice and some quickly became very good at designing, animating, illustrating, editing videos etc. I didn't feel like I was making any progress so I gave up on the dream, and shortly the course was just something I had to complete because I had already paid the fees. But the dream had faded away.

Fast forward 3 years later, I finally felt like I had found my arena in development. This time it was about making an impact and I couldn't be threatened or intimated by others' technical skills or finished designs being better than mine so I would write myself off. The struggle was now finding a job and pitching myself to employers. To cut a long story short, I switched my attention to something else after some years of not finding a paid role in that field. Now having switched into a different field of work, I quit again...You might be able to guess the reasons why. But there's a pattern here and my biggest concern is that I didn't realize this earlier. I would have saved myself from broken hopes and dreams. 

I can't go back to my 14 year old self and fix my mistakes but I can tell myself, no more lies, no more doubts, no more stressing, no more quitting, it's time to stand up for who I am.

Who am I? I am Courageous, Lovely, Amiable, Unique, Daring, Intelligent and Accomplished. I am all that it takes to be C.L.A.U.D.I.A 

The moral in this post is, don't compare yourself to anyone. You are unique and must only seek to be the best version of yourself. Only then will you find true contentment and fulfillment in life.

Life is full of the good and the bad but when stress stops you, pause and spell your N.A.M.E with affirmations. Then keep going! Never give up!

Now, it's your turn to spell your N.A.M.E

Till next time,

Happy Living

Claudy xoxo